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Seeing
Your Way Through: Bullying
� A Guide For Parents
What
is bullying? There
are a number of different ways of describing bullying, but a more common
definition is repeated and deliberate abuse over a period of time. Bullying does
not take account of age or sex, but tends to happen more often in social
settings where there are periods of low supervision and a clear �pecking
order�. There has been growing concern at the number of serious incidences of
bullying and new research has provided information on how schools and parents
can take practical steps to reduce the problem. There
are usually two main forms of bullying. These are physical
and
verbal.
Physical bullying can be being slapped, hit, pushed, poked or tripped. It can
also include having property stolen or damaged. Verbal bullying includes
name-calling, being teased, having lies
told about the child, or being
threatened until the child hands over money etc. It can also include being left
out of games, being ignored, or being systematically told that a person is
useless, an idiot etc. Research has informed us that there is a greater
incidence of these things happening because of skin colour, religion or
disability.
What
are the effects of bullying? Bullying
causes unhappiness, but it also induces stress and worry that can easily affect
a child�s performance at school. Children can feel scared, nervous and
worried. No one likes to think of a
child suffering from stress, but children who are long-term victims of bullying
may end up with such a diagnosis.
There have been incidences where children have felt so victimised that they have
run away from home or taken even more drastic steps. Bullying needs to be
tackled early, before the situation gets out of hand. It is a sad fact that if a
child has been bullied for a long time and then is moved to another school,
their low self esteem and lack of self confidence make them a prime targets for
bullies at that school as well. So the
situation
needs to be tackled early, long before this stage is reached. Why
are children bullied? There are many reasons why children are bullied, or become bullies themselves, but it is generally accepted that children with learning difficulties and/or physical difficulties are at greater risk of being bullied, than other children. Children with these difficulties may have a low self-esteem and be quiet, shy loners, often feeling that they are unable to keep up with children of their own age and this can also single them out as targets for bullying. Is
your child being bullied? Children
often find it difficult to talk about being bullied. Many bullies threaten
children not to tell and the embarrassment of the whole school knowing can also
influence their decision to keep quiet. As Valerie Besag, one of the UK�s
leading authorities on bullying writes, �Given that many bullied children find
it difficult to approach their parents for help, the optimum situation must be
that all parents are alerted to the possibility of bullying
occurring, be made aware of the warning signs and be encouraged to
approach the school should they suspect anything untoward.� Sometimes
sudden behaviour changes may indicate that a child is being bullied. Some of
these are detailed below, but these are not definite indicators. Please bear in
mind that there may be other causes: �
Behaviour
problems. The
child may become quiet and withdrawn, spending most of their time playing
computer games or watching television. They may no longer wish to take part in
social activities and may resent any small criticism. A request to tidy their
room may result in floods of tears and �you�re always picking on me, never
anyone else!� Sometimes they may take their angry feelings out on their
siblings or friends. They may pick fights, stop sharing or overreact to normal
situations. They may be forced to steal by bullies who threaten them with
violence if they don�t regularly give them money, or they may desperately want
to be accepted so they join a gang that won�t
accept them unless they steal or break the law in some other way. �
School
problems.
Children
sometimes refuse to go to school or will develop tummy or headaches rather than
go to school or attend
particular
lessons. They may be so worried about the bullying that they can�t concentrate
on school and homework. Their books may be damaged or lost or their money may go
missing. They may offer the bully presents to leave them alone and say they lost
them. �
Night
problems. They
may have nightmares and may shout out in their sleep things like �No, leave me
alone�. They may begin wetting the bed, possibly indicating that they are
worried about something. Disturbed sleep patterns will mean the child is tired
in the mornings and this makes getting them to school even more difficult. �
Injuries.
Physical
bullying may leave bruises, the child may try to explain them, but it may be
useful to check if the school are aware of any incidents. Frequent bruising
should always be queried. �
Low
self-esteem. Verbal
bullying can make a child worry about any aspect of his appearance. A child
called �teacher�s pet� may deliberately fail at school, while another may
become obsessive about washing after being called �smelly�. Children can
become dependent and act babyish. They may revert to thumb sucking, biting
nails, overeating, under eating, stammering or chewing things like hair or
clothes. They may become tearful, tired all the time and depressed. �
A
child who talks about not wanting to live or suicide should always be taken
seriously and needs urgent help. Forcing them to go to school will only make the
situation worse. What
can you do? It
is useful to encourage your child to chat about their day at school and to try
to make a special time to talk. Ask about their friends, who they played with
that day or what they did. If they don�t want to talk, do
not make them.
This
will only be another situation in which they feel pressurised. It can also be a
mistake to come straight out and ask, �Are you being bullied?� They may
become defensive and deny everything. Sometimes,
telling stories about bullying that happened when you were young shows you
understand and may encourage your child to confide in you. You could ask other
parents if their children have mentioned anything, but be careful, that they
don�t realise what is going on. Sometimes you could arrive earlier to pick
them up from school and watch what happens, or you could
walk
past the school at a break time and look in the playground to see what is
happening, making sure they do not see you. If
you are sure
that
there is a bullying problem, then there are
measures
you and your child can take: �
Tell
the school straight away.
If your child is worried about this, then you may have to ask the teacher not to
say anything. Most teachers are aware of this and usually co-operate, but if you
feel that the school are not taking your concerns seriously, then you may have
to contact the Board of Governors for further support. �
Be
very supportive towards your child.
Do not tell them to pull themselves together, to stand up for themselves, or to
hit back. Make sure they know that they can talk to you any time. �
Encourage
them to act confidently,
standing tall and erect. They will look less like an easy victim. Practicing in
a mirror will help. �
Remind
them to try to stay with a friend or group of friends.
Get them to practice what they will do in certain circumstances. If they have
practiced a routine plan of action, they will feel more in control. �
Name
calling or teasing can be laughed off or ignored. Walking away or acting not
bothered may be enough to stop the name calling, because it becomes boring
without a reaction. Practice this together. �
If
the child is threatened, cornered, or grabbed, they should: (a)
Walk away, looking straight ahead, towards a group of friends or a teacher or
someone else who can help.
(b)
If the bullies try to stop them, shout �NO! GO AWAY!� Then
walk away quickly. (c)
If threatened by a gang, look the weakest one in the eye and say, �THIS
ISN�T FUNNY!� and walk away. (d)
Report the incident to a teacher or other adult straight away. �
Being
hit, kicked or pushed is more difficult to deal with. If it is one slap or kick,
then they can act as before and tell someone as soon as possible. If they are
beaten up, they should protect themselves as much as possible until it stops. �
They
could try to make as much noise as possible so someone could hear and get help,
this can be useful as the bullies run the risk of being
caught.
They could fight back and escape as quickly as possible and run for help. What
they decide to do will probably depend on what is
happening at the time. �
Make
sure they are encouraged to tell what has happened as soon as possible. �
Boost
their confidence by telling them �You can do this really well�. Credit them
for things they do well, for trying and acknowledge that they have fears. Don�t
say,
�Stop being silly� or �Pull yourself together�. They will get their
confidence back � but in their own time. �
Threatening
the bully yourself, while occasionally being successful, probably isn�t a good
idea. The bully may just decide to pick on another child for a while. It can
also be very embarrassing for a child if they have to have their parents sort
out their problems. A child with a learning disability may have enough to cope
with, without the whole school knowing that there is yet another thing they are
unable to deal with themselves! �
Encourage
them to take part in other activities such as drama clubs, youth clubs or sports
groups. Be aware that they may have difficulties that influence the suitability
of some groups. They will not want to be placed in another situation where there
is a high likelihood of failure. It is better to build on something they are
interested in and like, such as drama or first-aid, rather than enrol them in
self-defence classes for instance. What
can schools do about bullying? There
have been many methods introduced over recent years, both in this country and
others, in an effort to reduce the incidence of bullying in schools. The
introduction of school bullying policies has become more common and many schools
will have a policy in place. Any school should have an established method of
dealing with bulling. Contact
your child�s teacher. Ask them to investigate the situation and inform you and
the head teacher of the results of the investigations. Make sure that you have
as much information as possible and write down all the questions you want to
ask. It helps if you can keep a diary of the
different events with all the details written down, including any
witnesses. You should also keep a record of your meetings with the school. Stress
to the school that you want the matter taken seriously. Do not accept excuses or
attempts to put the blame onto your child. If you feel it is necessary, ask for
increased supervision at breaks or for a safe place that your child can go to if
they feel threatened.
A
first step is usually to get both sides of the story. If there have been a lot
of incidences of bullying, it may be that other children have seen things and
they will need encouragement to talk to the teacher about it. If your child
knows the names of children who might have seen something, they should be given
to the teacher to investigate further. It is usual to then bring the parents of
the bully and the bullied child separately, into school to discuss the
situation. Once discussions have taken place with all parents, the school should
keep everybody informed of the outcome of the investigation. Once
the investigation has been carried out, the school will need to take action
against the bullies and ensure that this does not happen again. Often, a first
step is to make the bully apologise to their victim. This puts the blame fairly
upon the bully. This may be done face to face or in a note. Your child may be
asked which they would prefer. Sometimes, it may be that the school will decide
on a suitable punishment for the child, such as lines, detention, being put on
report, or in some cases, exclusion. You and your child should be informed what
is happening. Some
schools have a "Bullying Box" where children can secretly report any
bullying. This often works well and reinforces the �telling to stop�
message. It may a good idea to ask the school if they have any books in the
library on bullying. If they haven�t, suggest that they could purchase some.
Ask the head teacher, if the school can talk about bullying in assemblies and as
part of class work. The pupils could draw pictures, write stories or perform
plays for the whole of the school. Occasionally,
schools establish �bully courts�. This is where a panel of children, with a
teacher as adviser, hear cases of bullying. There are witnesses heard and the
full story revealed. The court reaches a decision about the case and may suggest
a punishment for the bully. The bully can either accept this or appeal to the
head teacher for a different
punishment. This can be very effective, but a school using this method
needs
to have a strong anti-bullying policy, where every child is made aware of
bullying and how it is not tolerated at all!
The charity �Kidscape� can usually help schools establish bully
courts. What
if your child is the bully? It
can very distressing to find that your child is bullying other children. It may
be that you have visited the school to investigate the situation, only to be
told that it is your child that is the bully. The
first thing to do is to try to stay calm. Your child will need support to be
helped to realise that what they are doing is wrong. It may help if they are
asked to imagine how they would feel if that was done to them. Try to encourage
your child to talk about what made them begin to bully other children. Do not
try to give them �a taste of their own medicine� or to shout at them. The
school will probably hold an investigation and you have a right to be informed
of everything that is happening, including the decisions on apologising to the
other child and any punishment that may be enforced. It may help to consider
what has made them start to bully other children. Has a lack of self-confidence
made them need to be the centre of attention or are they getting bullied
themselves? What
if the bully is a teacher? There
are still some teachers who use threats and humiliation to control their pupils.
A teacher may not like a child and continually call them lazy, stupid etc. If
you feel that your child is being bullied by a teacher then it is probably best
to talk to the teacher concerned, but do not accuse them of bullying. It is
probably best to talk to them generally, about your child�s progress. Their
answers may give you an indication of their attitude. If
the situation worsens then you will need to bring the matter to the head
teacher. A good school will investigate the matter thoroughly. If the teacher
has been bullying children, yours may not be the only one and more
complaints may emerge. This may then encourage the governors and the
education authority to take further action. Useful
Contacts Anti-Bullying
Campaign: (ABC) 10 Borough High Street, London, SE1 9QQ, Tel: 0207 378
1446 Support
group for parents of children being bullied at school. Listening and practical
advice service to parents and children. Factsheet for �1 plus SAE. Childwatch:
206 Hessle Road, Hull, N. Humberside, HU3 3BE, Tel: 01482 25552 Advice
on protection, prevention and coping with bullying. Send �1.50 for their child
protection pack or ring for
advice. Exploring
Parenthood: Latimer Education Centre. 194 Freston Road, London, W10 6TT, Tel:
0208 960 1678 Telephone
helpline and free leaflets on range of subjects including bullying. Send SAE for
publications list, or contact by telephone. Kidscape:
152 Buckingham Palace Road, London, SW1W 9TR, Tel: 0207 730 3300 A
charity devoted to the protection and safety of children. They have developed a
variety of practical, positive programmes to teach children how to cope with
bullying and other dangers. Send a large SAE for free leaflets and details of
books and videos. Parentline:
01702 559900 Support
line for parents to ring to discuss any problems they may be having with their
child. Youth
Access: Magazine Business Centre, 11 Newarke Street, Leicester, LE1 5SS, Tel:
01162 558763 A
young people�s counselling agency, which will be able to put you in touch with
counsellors in your area. References
and Further Reading Elliott,
Michele, A practical guide to talking with children. Hodder &
Stoughton 1988 Helping
your child develop strategies for dealing with potentially dangerous situations. Elliott,
Michele, Willow Street Kids. Deutsch/Pan 1992 Fictional
stories about a group of children and how they deal with bullying, strangers
etc. For children aged 7 to 11. Elliott,
Michele, Bullies meet the Willow Street Kids. Deutsch/Pan 1993 Sequel
to the Willow Street Kids where they meet and deal with a gang of
bullies. For children aged 7 to 11. Lawson,
Sarah, Helping children cope with bullying. Sheldon Press 1995 Practical
advice for parents on bullying. Markham,
Ursula, Helping children cope with stress. Sheldon Press 1990 Practical advice for parents on how to recognise symptoms and how to deal with problems. |
